Carol A. Boyer, MA, LPC, NCC
Licensed Professional Counselor
50 Church Street, Suite 3 L3
Montclair, NJ 07042
Phon 973.493.8006
LIcense : #37PC00429000
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Self vs Role
| Posted on November 24, 2014 at 8:08 PM |
November 24, 2014 At the end of my last post, I said that this post would be
about “the trap of Couplehood.” But
before I begin on that topic, I wanted to say a little more about Denial of
Self, and what that means. What is the Self? Simply
speaking, the Self is our identity. It is
who we are, separate from other people. Aspects
of the Self include our age, race, sex, beliefs, values, ability status, and so
on. Also included are things like our chosen
line of work, our talents and abilities, and personal or professional goals,
such as completing an advanced degree or having children. Our Self is the essence of who we are – what
makes us unique. Some aspects of the Self can change over time. For example, we may have been raised in a
conservative family with very strict ideas about religion, politics, or sex;
but as we grew up and encountered more of the world, we may have developed
attitudes or opinions that differed from those with which we were raised. We then incorporated these new attitudes and opinions
into our developing sense of Self. When we enter into relationships, especially marriage, our
sense of Self can be challenged by the role
we are expected to play as husband or wife.
If we give into the pressures to conform to a role, we cut off personal
growth, which is a denial of Self. Of
course, that is not to say that we should avoid the behaviors and obligations
of being a responsible partner or parent, but it does suggest that who we are –
and who we are permitted to become – should not be predetermined merely on the
basis of sex. Let’s use housework as an example. In the traditional view of marriage, maintenance
of the home was divided into “women’s work” and “men’s work.” A woman was expected to do the cooking,
cleaning, grocery shopping, laundry, ironing, and decorating, and to take
primary responsibility for child-rearing and social scheduling, as well as
supporting her husband’s career. A man
was expected to be the primary income-earner, financial decision-maker, and
emotional “rock,” as well as to take out the garbage, complete small household
repairs, maintain the family car, and do the yard work. In a more contemporary view, maintenance of the home is
simply that. It is the collection of
tasks that need to be done, in order to keep the home running smoothly. In this view, a household task can be done by
any member of the household,
according to their inclination and ability, not according to their role. Today, the vast majority of U.S. households include two
income-earners, yet many of us find ourselves frustrated and exhausted trying
to live up to the “traditional” model of marriage. We want our marriages to work, but we still
find ourselves under pressure, from family, society, and often ourselves, to
conform to the outmoded roles of previous generations. This is a huge denial of Self, for both men
and women. Love, companionship, intimacy, friendship, and open, honest
communication are the essential ingredients of modern marriage. All of these qualities require growth – both as
individuals and as a couple. If we
commit to personal growth, both for ourselves and our partners, we enable
ourselves to grow into the partners we most want to be. Roles don’t grow. Only people do! |
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